How can anyone be “too nice”? Isn’t being “nice” a good quality to have in a relationship?

When niceness is a sign of genuine respect, kindness and interest in another, it is a wonderful quality to have. When the “niceness” is a by-product of low self-esteem, passivity, or desperate loneliness, it can be a liability, and can make other people feel uneasy.

Have you ever met a person who never expresses their real preferences, opinions, or desires, even in the smallest matters? When someone asks them, “Where do you want to go tonight?” they reply, “I don’t care, anything is fine with me, where do you want to eat?”

A person who won’t state their opinion or preference may think they are being nice, but this is not niceness, this is a form of fearfulness, and a lack of self-respect.

Some people develop the trait of never asking for what they want because they were raised in a family where expressing wants or opinions was discouraged, or even disallowed. They may have been literally taught that they shouldn’t speak up, that they shouldn’t want anything for themselves, and that everyone else’s opinion mattered more than theirs did.

A child who grew up in a family where they weren’t allowed to express their needs or opinions, may grow up believing that this is how the whole world wants them to behave, even after they have become adults. They may find it difficult to take the initiative in any situation involving other people. They may feel uncomfortable or fearful expressing their desires. They may even feel they are being “bad” if they ask for anything.

Although they may think that being extremely passive and refusing to make decisions is their way of “being nice”, it isn’t always fun having a person who is this self-effacing as a friend.

It can be tiring for the other person in the friendship to have to make every decision just because their passive friend won’t make any. In relationships that are healthy and satisfying, both people share responsibility equally when making plans and decisions.

If you believe that being nice means never asking for anything for yourself, it’s important to learn to pay attention to your needs, to respect yourself, and to ask for what you want and need. Take your turn making decisions with others. Make your needs and preferences heard.

If you find your wishes are always being ignored, take a close look at why this is happening and see how you can change it.

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