If you don't feel comfortable making casual conversation with new people you have just met, you will find it harder to make new friends. You will also find it more difficult to fit in at your workplace.

One of the most common reasons that people have difficulty making conversation with someone they don't know very well is because they put too much pressure on themselves to be brilliant conversationalists.

Many people think that when they meet someone new, they have to say something really interesting and brilliant, right from the beginning. Even before they know the other person very well. They think they have to really put up a great performance to impress the other person.

People who find conversations with strangers to be difficult are usually trying too hard. They don't let themselves just be ordinary, and talk about fairly ordinary things.

Here's a very important lesson to learn about making conversation with new people: Insisting to yourself that you have to be brilliant and dazzling in all your conversations will not win you new friends. It will not even improve your conversational performance.

When you think to yourself that you have to perform perfectly in all your conversations, you will actually make your performance worse! You will become too nervous and awkward, and too focused on your own performance. You won't be focused on getting to know the new person you've just met.

New people that you meet are not looking for brilliant conversation. What they are looking for is someone who will be comfortable to be with, and fun to talk to. But most of all they are looking for someone who seems interested in them!

For conversational success, it's more important to be a good listener than to be a great talker.

When you are just starting out talking to a person, you can use your immediate surroundings or the weather as a basis for a few starting remarks.

If you want to know that person better, move on quickly to a slightly more personal level of discussion. Ask a few basic questions and offer a little bit of information about yourself, your likes or dislikes, or your opinion on some neutral topic. Notice whether the other person lights up with interest about any topics you mention.

This can give you new interesting areas for both of you to discuss.

Even if it seems somewhat difficult and awkward for you in the beginning, develop the habit of introducing yourself to others as soon as you meet them, or very early in the conversation. Otherwise you could spend hours talking and neither of you will have any idea of what your conversation partner's name is.

Socially confident people introduce themselves to their conversation partners very early in the course of conversation. People who are shy or socially awkward tend to introduce themselves much later, or not at all.

Shy people often wait until someone asks for their name, but they rarely volunteer to give it, and they rarely ask the other person what their name is.

Sometimes it is easier to ask the other person for their name first, and then offer your own. If you practice the new behavior enough times, it will eventually become second nature to you. With enough practice, it will no longer seem intimidating to take a more active role.

The important thing is simply to develop the habit of starting simple little conversations with lots more people. Look for the interests you have in common.

If you want to be more socially successful, take the initiative yourself. Introduce yourself to new people and get the conversational ball rolling. Don't hold back and let other people make all the first moves.

If you have been holding back, waiting for other people to do all the work in the relationship, you are shirking your responsibility in making the relationship move forward.

Show interest in other people. Smile. Listen. Look at the person you’re talking with.

Whenever you start talking to new people, don't think you have to come up with great dialogue, or the perfect opening lines. Just get started, and keep on talking. Practice making conversations with a lot of new people. You will eventually get better at it.

It's also important that you don't beat yourself up if the conversation doesn't turn into a friendship immediately.

Don't decide that you're a failure. After all, the majority of conversations between new people don't really go anywhere.

But that's all right. It takes time and effort to turn casual strangers into friends.

Remember, that all of the friends you already have were strangers to you at one point in your life. Until you started talking and found out what you have in common.

Learning how to make conversation with people you don't know well can be the first step in making many new friends.

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Have you ever been called stupid and felt that it was true at one point or another? Well, don't be intimidated by what other people believe, because intelligence has many different meanings. People often define an intellectual person to be strongly analytical and highly educated, but in fact this is just another broad generalization of what it means to be intelligent.

So, What excatly is intelligence?
A Harvard professor named Dr. Howard Gardner has spent many years studying the topic of intelligence in human beings. As a result of his studies, Dr. Gardner has proposed that our current beliefs about intelligence should be revised and expanded.

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He has suggested we consider at least seven different forms of intelligence.

1) verbal-linguistic

People who have a strong linguistic-verbal intelligence will respond in a deep way to language and words. They love the way that language sounds and the way that words can be put together to create moods and special effects. A person who is high in linguistic intelligence will get a deep sense of meaning and pleasure from the way that language is used. Writers, poets, rappers, and editors have a very high degree of linguistic or verbal intelligence. People who exhibit a strong need to correct errors in grammar are also very strong in this trait.

2) logical-mathematical

People with logical-mathematical intelligence are logical and systematic. They are are very good at analyzing data and they can follow complex chains of ideas to reach a logical conclusion. These people favor reason over passion. People with logical-mathematical intelligence can become successful lawyers, mathematicians, computer programmers, and scientists.

3) visual-spatial

Artists, decorators, fashion designers, sculptors, photographers and architects must possess strong visual-spatial intelligence to succeed in their fields. Among people who have this trait, some will have a glorious, passionate understanding of color. Others will very strongly respond to visual line, texture, or three-dimensional space.

4) musical

A person with musical intelligence may not necessarily play or compose music, but he will be always be a passionate lover of music, getting far more out of the experience than an average person. Musical intelligence is an ability to understand and respond to music, not just as background noise, but with a capacity to get deep meaning from the interaction of melodies, textures and rhythms.

5) bodily-kinesthetic

Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence is very high in those people who are athletes and dancers. It is also a great asset in actors. These people are extremely attuned to where all parts of their body are located in space and are able to exert very subtle yet powerful control over all their muscles.

6) social-interpersonal

People with a high degree of interpersonal intelligence are good at picking up cues to the emotions of others and understanding the emotional states of those around them. They are particularly good at empathizing with others, and they know how to comfort, inspire and lead people. This is a good trait to have in a political leader. It is also a desirable quality in teachers, therapists and salespeople.

7) intra-personal

Intra-personal intelligence is the ability to deeply know and understand oneself. It is the ability to analyze and assess one’s innermost qualities and behaviors. This is a form of intelligence that may be found in philosophers and spiritual leaders.

The test most frequently used today to measure intelligence is called the Stanford Binet Intelligence Test. A person with an IQ score of 100 is considered to be of average intelligence, while a person with an IQ above 130 is deemed to be intellectually gifted.

Although the IQ test is very widely used, does having a high IQ score guarantee success in later life? No, it doesn’t! It doesn’t even guarantee success in school.

Unfortunantly, industries such as Boieng, Bristol, NAV Canada, or any other industries that require you to have a vast ammount of aptitude level still require the use of IQ/Aptitude test. That is because in our current world, an aptitude for reading, logic and mathematics has been defined as 'synonymous' with intelligence. When you take an IQ test, this narrow range of abilities is what is measured, and then the score is said to be a measure of your intelligence.

So if you happen to do poorly at logic and language because your skills are elsewhere, these tests and our school systems may label you as a moron.

Standard intelligence tests focus a lot on exploring and measuring a person’s ability to understand logic, language and mathematics. But is that really the same as intelligence? No, its not!

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There was a show I was watching a few months ago on BBC or TLC that tracked down some of the people with the highest IQ scores in North America. And guess what... one of them wasn't a doctor, a pilot, an engineer etc... No! This man works as a motorcycle mechanic. He hangs out with biker gangs and is frequently in and out of jail. Another worked as a bouncer in a bar for ten years. This man, who by virtue of his IQ score is a genius, and yet earns minimum wage, and lives in a tiny garage.

So what does this say about having a high IQ? Clearly, a high IQ is not enough to guarantee success in life. What IQ tests measure is a certain type of potential. That potential still needs to be developed and nurtured by the person who has it. And not everyone who has a potential talent also possesses the desire to do something with it.

Being creative, optimistic, and flexible are most important hallmarks of many successful people. Common sense, the ability to get along with other people, and knowing a good idea when you see one, may be more useful qualities than having a genius IQ.

So, don't let your IQ score hold you back! There are many other qualities that are necessary to contribute to success.

Labels: all, brain, documentary, lifeline, motivation, opinion, psychology, videos

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How can anyone be “too nice”? Isn’t being “nice” a good quality to have in a relationship?

When niceness is a sign of genuine respect, kindness and interest in another, it is a wonderful quality to have. When the “niceness” is a by-product of low self-esteem, passivity, or desperate loneliness, it can be a liability, and can make other people feel uneasy.

Have you ever met a person who never expresses their real preferences, opinions, or desires, even in the smallest matters? When someone asks them, “Where do you want to go tonight?” they reply, “I don’t care, anything is fine with me, where do you want to eat?”

A person who won’t state their opinion or preference may think they are being nice, but this is not niceness, this is a form of fearfulness, and a lack of self-respect.

Some people develop the trait of never asking for what they want because they were raised in a family where expressing wants or opinions was discouraged, or even disallowed. They may have been literally taught that they shouldn’t speak up, that they shouldn’t want anything for themselves, and that everyone else’s opinion mattered more than theirs did.

A child who grew up in a family where they weren’t allowed to express their needs or opinions, may grow up believing that this is how the whole world wants them to behave, even after they have become adults. They may find it difficult to take the initiative in any situation involving other people. They may feel uncomfortable or fearful expressing their desires. They may even feel they are being “bad” if they ask for anything.

Although they may think that being extremely passive and refusing to make decisions is their way of “being nice”, it isn’t always fun having a person who is this self-effacing as a friend.

It can be tiring for the other person in the friendship to have to make every decision just because their passive friend won’t make any. In relationships that are healthy and satisfying, both people share responsibility equally when making plans and decisions.

If you believe that being nice means never asking for anything for yourself, it’s important to learn to pay attention to your needs, to respect yourself, and to ask for what you want and need. Take your turn making decisions with others. Make your needs and preferences heard.

If you find your wishes are always being ignored, take a close look at why this is happening and see how you can change it.

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Do you ever feel lonely? If you do, you may spend a lot of time wondering what’s wrong with you. It may seem as if everyone else but you has lots of friends. It may seem like everyone else is always getting invited to go to exciting parties. And it may seem like you're the only one who is left at home, waiting for the phone to ring, wondering why no one ever calls you to invite you out. Actually, loneliness is much more common than you might think. There is actually an epidemic of loneliness in many societies today. This may surprise you.

After all, so many millions of us in the modern world are jammed close together in large teeming cities, and we have at hand all the technological conveniences that are supposed to bring people closer together, such as e-mail, telephones, faxes, and the Internet.

Why are so many of us more lonely than ever?

The reason is that society has changed very rapidly in the past two or three hundred years. Many of the social factors that used to make it easy to make and keep friends for a lifetime have disappeared.

Families have changed a lot in recent decades. A hundred years ago, most families were very large, with many children, aunts and uncles and cousins living close by. Family members often worked together on the farm or in a family business all day long.

Today, families have shrunk in size. Family members are now so busy with their own separate projects, they rarely see each other. Families break up more often than they used to, and it is now much more common for family members to move thousands of miles away, to new jobs, new wives, or new husbands.

In the past, people used to live in the same small community for their entire lives. They stayed in the same job for decades.

These factors made it easy to make friends and keep friends.

Today, many people change jobs every few years, and they move to new cities, and leave behind family members and friends.

And many people today are very, very busy. In many ways, modern technology has not freed us from having to work harder. It has actually had the opposite effect of making us work harder and faster just to stay in the same place.

Another factor that contributes to increased loneliness is modern entertainment and communication technology.

Before the advent of television and the Internet, people had ways of having fun together every day. Many of these primitive methods of having fun have almost disappeared in the modern world.

In the old days, people used to actually talk to each other! They would play games together. They would make music.

Now this sort of primitive entertainment only occurs during a power outage. Most people now feel lost without a TV set and computer. Even in the same family, people barely know each other.

The increase in these modern forms of communication have actually decreased other forms of human interaction.

As people spend more time on the Internet, or with their text messaging, or playing games on computers, they are spending far less time actually interacting with the people around them. It has become a lot easier for people to cocoon themselves in their homes, and never see anyone.

Many people are actually spending less time developing their social skills while they may be vastly improving their computer skills.

In the modern world it seems almost everyone is pressed for time. We are often far too busy at work to develop friendships, and when we come home exhausted at the end of the day, we are too tired to make plans to socialize.

Some of us live in neighborhoods where it isn’t really safe to go out after dark. It becomes all too easy to eat a quick supper and spend our evening hours mentally decompressing in front of the television set or computer.

Loneliness is a bigger problem for more people today than at any previous time in history. The truly ironic fact about loneliness is that if you are lonely, you are not alone!

Still, even if you have been lonely in the past, and even if you feel lonely today, it is possible to make new friends in this modern world.

If you have been suffering from loneliness, it’s time to stop blaming yourself, and it’s time to stop blaming the rest of the world. It’s time to do something to solve the problem of loneliness.

How to Deal With Lonelyness: [Credit]

1. Realize that we all get lonely. It doesn't mean there is
   anything wrong with you or that you have to stay lonely. We're
   particularly prone to loneliness when we're making transitions,
   especially for the better. If you're changing, such as exploring
   new alternatives and paths for yourself, you're bound to get a
   little lonely as you look for people who share your new interests
   and thoughts.


2. Call or get together with the people you know, even if they
   aren't who you want to be with right now. Human contact makes more
   contact easier. This includes your mother and the guy at the deli
   counter. Talk until the feeling eases. Make as many calls as
   necessary.


3. Get involved in anything where you will meet people. If you are
   very shy, find a group for social anxiety, even if it has to be
   online (obviously it's better if it's not). Look on places like
   Craig's List for activities in your area. Volunteering can
   help.


4. Challenge yourself to take the initiative in social
   relationships whenever you can. YOU ask the person if they want to
   chat, get a coffee, whatever. Remember how much you like it when
   people are attracted to you.


5. Take risks about revealing yourself. Say what's on your mind,
   if it seems at all likely the other person will be receptive. It
   can hurt when it backfires, but it's worth it a million times over
   when it works out.


6. Befriend someone lonelier than you are. This will not be the
   last friend you make.


7. Remember that we are all alone inside our heads; we are born
   and die alone; it's nothing special. Every person who has ever
   lived has been lonely. Love wouldn't exist without loneliness to
   inspire it. Look at your loneliness with detachment.


8. Notice the difference between loneliness and solitude. Imagine
   this is the last day you will ever be alone. What would you
   do?


9. Join an online community, sometimes, it can help.


10. When feeling lonely, don't allow yourself to bask in your
    loneliness. Do something, anything! Take a walk, ride your
    bike.

You can make new friends and have the social life you dream of. To have more friends you will have to learn new techniques of socializing and making conversation. You will have to make the effort to meet many more new people.

If you learn the secrets of those people who make friends easily, and implement these techniques into your life, you too can have a happy social life.

Labels: all, featured, lifeline, lonelyness, psychology, tips

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Have you been trying hard to make friends with no good results to show for all of your efforts? If it seems that you have been trying hard to make friends, but that other people still don't want to be your friend, you may have come to the conclusion that there's something wrong with you. That maybe you are basically unlikeable. Many of us go through such torment of self doubt, especially during our teenage years, when teens are often the victims of vicious bullying from their peers for no reason at all.

If you feel as if the people you are trying to befriend don’t like you, the first thing you must do is to ask yourself: Do you have any real evidence that others don't like you? Or are you just imagining the worst because you are always very harsh with yourself?

People who have low self-esteem, or who are suffering from depression, are often convinced that others don't like them, even when there is no evidence for their negative belief. People who have a poor self image can be surrounded by others who like them, care about them, and enjoy their company; yet because these people don't believe they are worthy of being liked, they are convinced that no one else likes them either.

So, if you are feeling as if nobody likes you, try to find out if there is some real evidence that others don't like you, or whether you are just being very negative in your opinion of yourself.

On the other hand, there are times when it's not just your imagination that others don’t like you. It might be really true that most of the people you meet are consistently rejecting you, even when you make social overtures and try to be as friendly to them as possible.

There are many reasons this can happen.

You may have moved to a society where the people are very tight knit with each other, and they don't open up to newcomers easily.

You might be surrounded by people who automatically dislike people of your particular religion, ethnic background, sexual orientation, skin color, or bodily appearance.

You may be surrounded by people who reject you because the clothes you wear are not the latest and most expensive fashion.

In high school years in particular, many teens are strongly conformist, and can be very cruel to those who seem to be different from the norm. Sadly, some people never grow out of the stage of judging others for trivial and superficial reasons.

If you are really are being rejected by others, it is important that you don’t make the situation worse by attacking yourself.

This will only make you feel worse, and will make you lose confidence in approaching new people in the future.

Saying negative things to yourself could start you on a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-hatred. Or you might turn your anger outwards in a spirit of bitterness and revenge towards other people. This is not a solution that will win you friends or peace of mind.

It's also important to take a good, hard look at yourself and the way that you interact with other people. There may be specific behaviors that are causing others to dislike you, and these are behaviors which you can change.

Ask yourself the questions on this checklist. If it looks as if any of these behaviors are a problem for you, it's very likely that if you change this behavior, that other people will like you better.

1. Are you always very negative and complaining all the time? Most people find this habit very annoying.

2. Do you actively participate in conversations with others? Or do you hold back and let other people do all the work in making conversation. If so, learn to improve your conversational skills so that talking with you is an experience that others look forward to.

3. Do you endlessly talk about yourself and show little interest in the people you are talking with? Other people will become bored with you very quickly if you seem only interested in yourself.

4. Do you try too hard to please others, always agreeing with everything that they say, and never having any opinions of your own? People won't respect you if you don't respect yourself.

5. Do you often say things that hurt the feelings of others and then say it was just a joke? Do you say mean things behind other people's backs? No one will trust you if they think that you are basically an unkind person.

If you want to make other people your friends, it's very important that you don't give up. Keep approaching people, keep trying to make conversation. Get rid of your bad social habits if they are getting in the way of friendship.

If you are being given the cold shoulder by many of the people you encounter, particularly in your school or workplace, keep looking elsewhere for people you can confide in and befriend. You can try in your church, in your community, and in your own family.

Work on developing the talents and good qualities within yourself so that you can appeal in a new way to other people with whom you will have more in common. Continue to actively search out other people who will like you and accept you.

Labels: all, anger, hate, lifeline, opinion, psychology, tips

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Almost everybody feels shy at one time or another.In fact, only about 7% of the population claims that they never feel shy. For the rest of us, shyness can range from being an occasional, minor inconvenience, to being a major problem.

Some people are afflicted with a degree of shyness so severe that it is almost disabling. This type of acute shyness is not only very painful to experience, but it can have devastating effects on a person’s social life, happiness, and career.

Severe shyness is a complex mix of biology, upbringing, traumatic experiences, and negative self-talk. Severe shyness can co-exist with other debilitating psychological conditions such as low self-esteem, perfectionism, depression and anxiety.

Extreme shyness can take many forms, and can show up differently in different people. Some very shy people have problems being in large gatherings, yet they may feel comfortable in small groups. Some shy people only feel acute discomfort with persons they have just met, while others are never comfortable around people, even those they have known a long time.

People who suffer from severe shyness often end up very lonely, may never marry, and have few friends. Psychiatrists and psychologists use the term "social anxiety disorder" to describe extremely debilitating shyness. There isn’t complete agreement about whether severe, disabling social anxiety disorder is simply a more severe type of shyness, or whether it is another type of disorder altogether.

Getting over your Shyness
Some very shy people are able to overcome their fears by learning better social skills and practicing them frequently in social situations. Many also find it useful to gain some measure of control over their uncomfortable physical reactions such as sweating and trembling, by using special relaxation techniques and bio-feedback training.

One way that many people who are very shy choose to deal with their social anxiety is to simply avoid any social situations that might trigger their discomfort. This may mean turning down invitations to parties and other social events, crossing the street in order to avoid running into someone they know, and even turning down promotions at work.

Although avoiding the feared situation may seem to the shy person like the perfect solution, it actually makes the problem worse in the long run. Every time a shy person chooses to avoid social interaction, he reinforces in his mind how much he fears dealing with other people. By choosing the short-term benefit of avoiding his anxious feelings, he reinforces the power that his fear holds over him

Psychologists who specialize in the treatment of shyness disorders have discovered that avoiding social situations can actually make the problem worse. Many psychologists who treat people aflicted by shyness recommend a program of repeated and gradually increasing exposure to the feared situation, combined with helping the client learn new ways of thinking.

In some cases, certain prescription medications can help control the feelings of extreme anxiety that they experience when they are around others.

If your shyness is very severe, you can benefit from seeing a therapist who has proven effectiveness in successfully treating shyness. Not all forms of psychotherapy have been proven effective in treating shyness.

Those forms of therapy where the patient relives past traumas and digs deeply into past relationships are not particularly helpful for overcoming shyness.

The types of therapy that seem to have the best track record for overcoming shyness are cognitive therapy and behavioral therapy.

Both of these types of therapy concentrate on dealing with the present, and teaching the patient new ways of thinking and behaving when they are around others.

Labels: all, featured, lifeline, psychology, socializing, tips

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